happy dancing

Have I mentioned that Amy just breaks out dancing when she's feeling extremely happy? She loves to be outside in her coat, so she dances, she loves carrying snacks around, so she dances. I just love my little dancing girl!!

Conflict

When I was a kid I wasn't afraid of conflict. I'm sure this was pretty difficult on my mom at times. She used to teach me "pick your battles". She'd say to me and whatever sibling I happened to be going the rounds with, "the better person is the one who stops fighting!". What she taught me is nothing on what life is teaching me. Life is the real teacher, and I wish I could measure up Mom.

I have conflict in every area of my life, and I'm so tired. Conflict at work: I can't count how many names I've been called by drunk or by irate people...and most of these names involve the 'F' word...then there's the issue of an administration that only seems to care about the bottom line, and not about whether their RN's sit down in a 12 hour period, that causes A LOT of conflict. Conflict at school: I don't know of a day that my son does not come home from Jr. High where he hasn't told me some new crass thing he's heard in the halls, or behavior he's witnessed that is just wrong on so many levels...and what if I disagree with how a teacher of one of my kids has handled something? Conflict at church: believe it or not, I am learning that you can't be the President of an organization without offending someone, or having some unpleasant conflict...even if that conflict is just hearing from one of your counselors that your Primary didn't do enough for a child....conflict is so stressful. I can't really scratch the surface of conflict at home...the kids constantly coming and going and having to deal in their own child like way with these painful transitions, trying to make plans with a husband that has an ex-wife when you also have another parent involved in your family...but not quite. The conflict of loyalties and building trust and getting to know each other in our mixed up family. Everyone going away from each other so incessantly and then coming together again....when children shouldn't have to do this.

The greatest conflict I feel is within myself. My trying to weigh and balance my reactions or choosing to show a lack of reaction to what comes. How much do I say? When do I not say anything? I've heard that people who internalize their feelings live shorter lives. Do you buy that? It seems to me that if I said everything I feel, I would have high blood pressure and be fighting every hour of every day. I just can't do that. I have to hold some in. I have to pick my battles. Now here I am, over 20 years since I flew the coop, and my mom's wisdom comes back to me, like a dove of peace landing on my soul. She was right. Now...the conflict that I have is "Mom...what battles are worth fighting?" I'd like answers.

I can't tell how I'm doing at handling conflict in my life. Tonight as I chatted with a co-worker about this exact thing, she said to me "It sounds like you need a hobby". A hobby. Something to take my mind off the here and now. That must be where all of this angst is coming from, it's snowy and I can't play tennis.

I'm returning...for now

This is what happens when kids are left to their own devices. I have so many pictures...you are given here only a summary! Today I found my sweet little baby sitting on Heidi's bed with her three giggling sisters around her. Turns out, they had completely covered her in stuffed animals up to her chin. Funny thing is, she was actually sitting contentedly and did not fuss??? Go figure. She loves to play with the big girls.

Then there's the snow fun...at 11:00 p.m.??? We had some friends over to dinner and as we're sending them off tonight, the kids saw the newly fallen snow (it is so beautiful). They could not resist the fun!!! I had to snap a pic. Now, here we are it is almost midnight and they are still out there, filling plastic boxes and dumping them like bricks. They think they're making a snow fort to sleep in, we'll see!!!

It's Summer!!

These are some of the reason's I love summer: Cousin sleepovers (where the girls decide to put fruit snacks on their face and tell me they have contracted a disease...little jokers), lazy mornings with the kids in jammies...(check out my pretty little red head)...and of course, there's some pretty fun birthday celebrations, first Camille turned 10 on June 4th (such a pretty cake my mom made and decorated with fresh flowers from her yard) and then there's Amy turning one year old on June 30 (where does the time go?), lastly Heidi will turn 9 in August. All the little girls get older in the summer, what a fun time!!! We love you Camille and we are so glad you are a part of our family. And I love you summer, thanks for giving my kids back so we can play!!!

Mother's Day

I had a sweet Mother's day this year. These girls in matching dresses, a handsome hubby in a matching tie, and kisses from my sweet baby...these are a few of my favorite things. Heidi gave me an adorable keyring that is made out of beads...the beads spell mom. I have a little surge of joy every time I look at my new keyring. Being a mom is my favorite job in the world. I want to wear it on my keyring and on my chest for the rest of my life. Nothing gives me more happiness. My sweet husband took the boys to a late movie the night before Mother's day...and while they slept in the car after midnight, he ran into Smith's to pick up a bouquet of roses and a couple of sweet cards to me....but the most touching was his inscription, "I know that you are the greatest blessing that Heavenly Father has given me. I found the perfect person for me when I found you." We have our clear ups and downs...truthfully, sometimes it seems like every day can be a struggle blending this family, and the struggles put a lot of strain on our relationship. Every once in a while there is a pay off, and then I remember why I'm doing this in the first place. I'm still running this race because I love you Dustin, and I love these beautiful kids. Thanks kids for the lovely cards, for the hugs and kisses, and for coming to me so I can borrow you for a little while in this life and be your mom!!! I love you!!

Thoughts on the Atonement

Recently we went down town on Trax for fun little primary activity. We toured the Beehive house and ate snacks in front of the temple. We took pictures in front of the beautiful spring flowers. I couldn't have hoped for a happier primary activity. I love these kids so much.

Towards the end of the activity we had all of the kids point at the temple for a picture. I wanted a picture to show them where they set their sights for when they grow older.

I look at these kids, they come from all different backgrounds and different families. They have different personalities and different life experience already at such young ages. But when I see them pointing at the temple I know that the Atonement makes all of us the same. No matter the labels other may place on you or others, the only thing that really, truly matters is your relationship with your Heavenly Father and your humility before him. If we are right with God, we are striving every day to be right with others, and this brings so much peace. I love the temple!!! I love these beautiful kids!! I am forever indebted to a Heavenly Father that allows me so much room to grow and has so much patience for my mess ups!

The only reason I can continue to go to the temple is because of the Atonement. What an infinite blessing!!!!

Evil Santa Goes Down

One of my favorite parts of being a mother is the all of the funny quirky things kids do to make me laugh.

A couple of years ago, my son Sam had a late birthday party and the boys kept sneaking into my storage room when they were having a nerf gun war. It just so happened that in that storage room I had a motorized figure of Santa (that my mom gave me years ago...it used to be hers). He was so adorable, and would dance and sing to Christmas carols. Well, the boys got it in their heads that Santa's eyes moved and it got them pretty jumpy. That night two years ago the Santa figurine aquired the name "Evil Santa" by Sam, Josh and all of their friends.

For two years these same boys have been intrigued by my haunted storage room and evil Santa, and they've regularly kept tabs on my Santa. Here we are two years later...the burning heap you see in my backyard...that is what I promised the boys two years ago. I told them that some day when Santa gets old and broken, I'll let them destroy Santa once and for all.

I have to say it was pretty entertaining...the boys had some pent up fear of Santa and had fun using the figurine as a baseball...and then as kindling. There is one very good lesson that I learned from my mom...and that is to laugh at life. So, mom, thanks for all of the good times. If I couldn't laugh at my kids, I don't think I'd enjoy them half as much. Happy 13th Birthday Sam...and goodbye forever Evil Santa.

Thoughts

Does being a resilient person require denial? Amy has two raging ear infections...am I tough and resilient if it's "not that bad", or should I be honest and confess that I wonder if the stress of a sick baby, working nights and blending a family make me question my faith in the future?

My son didn't get invited to a good friend's birthday festivities. I found out through Facebook...that stings. If I'm resilient, do I say "oh, I'm sure it was an oversight, maybe thrown together...and all the kids couldn't be invited", or should I be honest and confess that my son thinks this kid is his best friend, and when push comes to shove it seems like this kid just doesn't like my son. When I think that, am I being too easily offended, not resilient?

I've always felt that being charitable means giving people the benefit of the doubt. But at what point do you just call a spade a spade and move on?

Something comforting that doesn't involve self talk: Hardship makes people stronger. Dustin and I recently snuggled down in bed and watched a fantastic devotional on his itouch. John Huntsman spoke at a BYU devotional in November 2009. I would recommend listening when you get the chance. When I think of his saying: we shouldn't wish for our children to feel no pain, we should remember that pain precedes growth...it rings so mind blowingly true.

I want to be resilient and forgiving...I also want to be honest. Can I be both?

Oh, and at what point am I being a brat? I feel pain over my kids hardships...but they're healthy and well taken care of and live in a free country without terrorism. They are so blessed!! SOOO, why do I still agonize for them?

My son doesn't even know about the festivities gone by, should I even stress about this? My daughter is now on Amoxicillin, and tonight is my last night to work for a week....perhaps things will take a turn for the better? SUCH IS LIFE!!

Life goes on...

So, in light of the heaviness of my last post, I thought I should show forth a little joy....that's what this picture is for. Are they not the cutest EVER?

my thoughts at 5:57 a.m

People should be warned to take caution before they read my posts at the tail end of my late night shift. I want to share so many feelings, but truthfully, I'm not much of a writer.

I've considered lately (actually I've considered it for the past 7 years) writing a book for the LDS divorcee. I have had such an intense experience in the last 7 years. I am still feeling the intensity. I compare my life to sitting on a hot stove, and the heat never cools.

I was married in the temple to a true kindred spirit. I struggled secretly for so many years. The two prevailing emotions I felt for nearly 8 years were desperation and nothing (as if the absence of emotion is an emotion?). My entire life revolved around preparing for the eternal family I would help build. Marrying in the temple builds your whole identity, a foundation for the future and an expression of your most tender beliefs in eternity. I can't describe the unsettling that happens within an LDS girl to divorce, and what's more, to file for divorce.

Years of tears followed. I remember I read a book at the time that described a woman's experience with divorce, she described her life as a river of tears. She cried while she showered, she cried in her pillow at night while the kiddies slept unaware. She cried while she ran car pool, because they were all tucked safely, and outside of eyeshot in their seatbelts...as if that is somehow safe, having a mother in that condition. I was that woman. What happened God?

I've wanted to be honest about my experience and use it to share with others. When you divorce, the relief society doesn't send around a meal sign up, your visiting teachers don't come over and offer to take the kids. Maybe these things should happen, but would I have accepted them from anyone? Inside I was desperate to share my pain, but for others it was awkward, and deep down they were too afraid to ask, and I was afraid if I shared I wouldn't have friends anymore. Sometimes true emotional honesty is scary to others. Least of all in my life, I don't want to make others uncomfortable in an expression of self indulgence...so my silence continued and people didn't ask, I didn't tell. What a lonely time that was.

I had many strong spiritual experiences pushing me along. These experiences guided me, but underneath, right next to my heart was mourning of the deepest kind and anger. I was so angry.

I was single for 4 years and now again, a new start. I'm remarried. There are only two things that are new in my life now, my marriage and my daughter...outside of that I am an old woman inside. I could never go back to who I was, and I grapple with my innocence, I wonder if there is any left. I long for that young faithful girl that I used to be. That touch of naivety was such security. I had a friend in highschool that loved the story of "The Velveteen Rabbit". I could never understand her love of it. I thought it was a silly story about toys that came alive. But, the premise of the book is a questioning of what makes something "real". I couldn't have known then as a young naive girl what my friend already understood because of her life experience. Now, I find myself asking "What is real?". I read the book and my worn spirit is nodding yes. Now I understand. These trials, they make me raw and humble and teachable.

I have so many kids, will they all feel that I love them? Can I be fair? These confusing loyalties...that is the rub of the blended family. How will we be? What happened to that youthful faith I had before everything seemed to dash? I am not the same person I used to be. I would like to be a little bit like her again....and that is what I am going through.

What did I tell you? I'm sorry if it was all too much! Thanks for amusing me.

Smiles and Sitting Up

These pictures speak for themselves...my baby is the cutest in the world.