Conflict

When I was a kid I wasn't afraid of conflict. I'm sure this was pretty difficult on my mom at times. She used to teach me "pick your battles". She'd say to me and whatever sibling I happened to be going the rounds with, "the better person is the one who stops fighting!". What she taught me is nothing on what life is teaching me. Life is the real teacher, and I wish I could measure up Mom.

I have conflict in every area of my life, and I'm so tired. Conflict at work: I can't count how many names I've been called by drunk or by irate people...and most of these names involve the 'F' word...then there's the issue of an administration that only seems to care about the bottom line, and not about whether their RN's sit down in a 12 hour period, that causes A LOT of conflict. Conflict at school: I don't know of a day that my son does not come home from Jr. High where he hasn't told me some new crass thing he's heard in the halls, or behavior he's witnessed that is just wrong on so many levels...and what if I disagree with how a teacher of one of my kids has handled something? Conflict at church: believe it or not, I am learning that you can't be the President of an organization without offending someone, or having some unpleasant conflict...even if that conflict is just hearing from one of your counselors that your Primary didn't do enough for a child....conflict is so stressful. I can't really scratch the surface of conflict at home...the kids constantly coming and going and having to deal in their own child like way with these painful transitions, trying to make plans with a husband that has an ex-wife when you also have another parent involved in your family...but not quite. The conflict of loyalties and building trust and getting to know each other in our mixed up family. Everyone going away from each other so incessantly and then coming together again....when children shouldn't have to do this.

The greatest conflict I feel is within myself. My trying to weigh and balance my reactions or choosing to show a lack of reaction to what comes. How much do I say? When do I not say anything? I've heard that people who internalize their feelings live shorter lives. Do you buy that? It seems to me that if I said everything I feel, I would have high blood pressure and be fighting every hour of every day. I just can't do that. I have to hold some in. I have to pick my battles. Now here I am, over 20 years since I flew the coop, and my mom's wisdom comes back to me, like a dove of peace landing on my soul. She was right. Now...the conflict that I have is "Mom...what battles are worth fighting?" I'd like answers.

I can't tell how I'm doing at handling conflict in my life. Tonight as I chatted with a co-worker about this exact thing, she said to me "It sounds like you need a hobby". A hobby. Something to take my mind off the here and now. That must be where all of this angst is coming from, it's snowy and I can't play tennis.