So, in light of the heaviness of my last post, I thought I should show forth a little joy....that's what this picture is for. Are they not the cutest EVER?
Monday, February 8, 2010
Life goes on...
So, in light of the heaviness of my last post, I thought I should show forth a little joy....that's what this picture is for. Are they not the cutest EVER?
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
my thoughts at 5:57 a.m
People should be warned to take caution before they read my posts at the tail end of my late night shift. I want to share so many feelings, but truthfully, I'm not much of a writer.
I've considered lately (actually I've considered it for the past 7 years) writing a book for the LDS divorcee. I have had such an intense experience in the last 7 years. I am still feeling the intensity. I compare my life to sitting on a hot stove, and the heat never cools.
I was married in the temple to a true kindred spirit. I struggled secretly for so many years. The two prevailing emotions I felt for nearly 8 years were desperation and nothing (as if the absence of emotion is an emotion?). My entire life revolved around preparing for the eternal family I would help build. Marrying in the temple builds your whole identity, a foundation for the future and an expression of your most tender beliefs in eternity. I can't describe the unsettling that happens within an LDS girl to divorce, and what's more, to file for divorce.
Years of tears followed. I remember I read a book at the time that described a woman's experience with divorce, she described her life as a river of tears. She cried while she showered, she cried in her pillow at night while the kiddies slept unaware. She cried while she ran car pool, because they were all tucked safely, and outside of eyeshot in their seatbelts...as if that is somehow safe, having a mother in that condition. I was that woman. What happened God?
I've wanted to be honest about my experience and use it to share with others. When you divorce, the relief society doesn't send around a meal sign up, your visiting teachers don't come over and offer to take the kids. Maybe these things should happen, but would I have accepted them from anyone? Inside I was desperate to share my pain, but for others it was awkward, and deep down they were too afraid to ask, and I was afraid if I shared I wouldn't have friends anymore. Sometimes true emotional honesty is scary to others. Least of all in my life, I don't want to make others uncomfortable in an expression of self indulgence...so my silence continued and people didn't ask, I didn't tell. What a lonely time that was.
I had many strong spiritual experiences pushing me along. These experiences guided me, but underneath, right next to my heart was mourning of the deepest kind and anger. I was so angry.
I was single for 4 years and now again, a new start. I'm remarried. There are only two things that are new in my life now, my marriage and my daughter...outside of that I am an old woman inside. I could never go back to who I was, and I grapple with my innocence, I wonder if there is any left. I long for that young faithful girl that I used to be. That touch of naivety was such security. I had a friend in highschool that loved the story of "The Velveteen Rabbit". I could never understand her love of it. I thought it was a silly story about toys that came alive. But, the premise of the book is a questioning of what makes something "real". I couldn't have known then as a young naive girl what my friend already understood because of her life experience. Now, I find myself asking "What is real?". I read the book and my worn spirit is nodding yes. Now I understand. These trials, they make me raw and humble and teachable.
I have so many kids, will they all feel that I love them? Can I be fair? These confusing loyalties...that is the rub of the blended family. How will we be? What happened to that youthful faith I had before everything seemed to dash? I am not the same person I used to be. I would like to be a little bit like her again....and that is what I am going through.
What did I tell you? I'm sorry if it was all too much! Thanks for amusing me.
I've considered lately (actually I've considered it for the past 7 years) writing a book for the LDS divorcee. I have had such an intense experience in the last 7 years. I am still feeling the intensity. I compare my life to sitting on a hot stove, and the heat never cools.
I was married in the temple to a true kindred spirit. I struggled secretly for so many years. The two prevailing emotions I felt for nearly 8 years were desperation and nothing (as if the absence of emotion is an emotion?). My entire life revolved around preparing for the eternal family I would help build. Marrying in the temple builds your whole identity, a foundation for the future and an expression of your most tender beliefs in eternity. I can't describe the unsettling that happens within an LDS girl to divorce, and what's more, to file for divorce.
Years of tears followed. I remember I read a book at the time that described a woman's experience with divorce, she described her life as a river of tears. She cried while she showered, she cried in her pillow at night while the kiddies slept unaware. She cried while she ran car pool, because they were all tucked safely, and outside of eyeshot in their seatbelts...as if that is somehow safe, having a mother in that condition. I was that woman. What happened God?
I've wanted to be honest about my experience and use it to share with others. When you divorce, the relief society doesn't send around a meal sign up, your visiting teachers don't come over and offer to take the kids. Maybe these things should happen, but would I have accepted them from anyone? Inside I was desperate to share my pain, but for others it was awkward, and deep down they were too afraid to ask, and I was afraid if I shared I wouldn't have friends anymore. Sometimes true emotional honesty is scary to others. Least of all in my life, I don't want to make others uncomfortable in an expression of self indulgence...so my silence continued and people didn't ask, I didn't tell. What a lonely time that was.
I had many strong spiritual experiences pushing me along. These experiences guided me, but underneath, right next to my heart was mourning of the deepest kind and anger. I was so angry.
I was single for 4 years and now again, a new start. I'm remarried. There are only two things that are new in my life now, my marriage and my daughter...outside of that I am an old woman inside. I could never go back to who I was, and I grapple with my innocence, I wonder if there is any left. I long for that young faithful girl that I used to be. That touch of naivety was such security. I had a friend in highschool that loved the story of "The Velveteen Rabbit". I could never understand her love of it. I thought it was a silly story about toys that came alive. But, the premise of the book is a questioning of what makes something "real". I couldn't have known then as a young naive girl what my friend already understood because of her life experience. Now, I find myself asking "What is real?". I read the book and my worn spirit is nodding yes. Now I understand. These trials, they make me raw and humble and teachable.
I have so many kids, will they all feel that I love them? Can I be fair? These confusing loyalties...that is the rub of the blended family. How will we be? What happened to that youthful faith I had before everything seemed to dash? I am not the same person I used to be. I would like to be a little bit like her again....and that is what I am going through.
What did I tell you? I'm sorry if it was all too much! Thanks for amusing me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)