People should be warned to take caution before they read my posts at the tail end of my late night shift. I want to share so many feelings, but truthfully, I'm not much of a writer.
I've considered lately (actually I've considered it for the past 7 years) writing a book for the LDS divorcee. I have had such an intense experience in the last 7 years. I am still feeling the intensity. I compare my life to sitting on a hot stove, and the heat never cools.
I was married in the temple to a true kindred spirit. I struggled secretly for so many years. The two prevailing emotions I felt for nearly 8 years were desperation and nothing (as if the absence of emotion is an emotion?). My entire life revolved around preparing for the eternal family I would help build. Marrying in the temple builds your whole identity, a foundation for the future and an expression of your most tender beliefs in eternity. I can't describe the unsettling that happens within an LDS girl to divorce, and what's more, to file for divorce.
Years of tears followed. I remember I read a book at the time that described a woman's experience with divorce, she described her life as a river of tears. She cried while she showered, she cried in her pillow at night while the kiddies slept unaware. She cried while she ran car pool, because they were all tucked safely, and outside of eyeshot in their seatbelts...as if that is somehow safe, having a mother in that condition. I was that woman. What happened God?
I've wanted to be honest about my experience and use it to share with others. When you divorce, the relief society doesn't send around a meal sign up, your visiting teachers don't come over and offer to take the kids. Maybe these things should happen, but would I have accepted them from anyone? Inside I was desperate to share my pain, but for others it was awkward, and deep down they were too afraid to ask, and I was afraid if I shared I wouldn't have friends anymore. Sometimes true emotional honesty is scary to others. Least of all in my life, I don't want to make others uncomfortable in an expression of self indulgence...so my silence continued and people didn't ask, I didn't tell. What a lonely time that was.
I had many strong spiritual experiences pushing me along. These experiences guided me, but underneath, right next to my heart was mourning of the deepest kind and anger. I was so angry.
I was single for 4 years and now again, a new start. I'm remarried. There are only two things that are new in my life now, my marriage and my daughter...outside of that I am an old woman inside. I could never go back to who I was, and I grapple with my innocence, I wonder if there is any left. I long for that young faithful girl that I used to be. That touch of naivety was such security. I had a friend in highschool that loved the story of "The Velveteen Rabbit". I could never understand her love of it. I thought it was a silly story about toys that came alive. But, the premise of the book is a questioning of what makes something "real". I couldn't have known then as a young naive girl what my friend already understood because of her life experience. Now, I find myself asking "What is real?". I read the book and my worn spirit is nodding yes. Now I understand. These trials, they make me raw and humble and teachable.
I have so many kids, will they all feel that I love them? Can I be fair? These confusing loyalties...that is the rub of the blended family. How will we be? What happened to that youthful faith I had before everything seemed to dash? I am not the same person I used to be. I would like to be a little bit like her again....and that is what I am going through.
What did I tell you? I'm sorry if it was all too much! Thanks for amusing me.
9 comments:
It's not too much. I think people want to hear about this - everybody doesn't always have to be pretending to be perfect all the time. Hang in there sissy!
nic... first of all I am so glad your blogging... What do you mean your not a writer you write beautifully... so sorry you are going through this and I wish I could tell you how much i admire you and am amazed at the ease you do love all your kids and mine and the primary kids... dont be so hard on yourself, None of us are the innocent people we used to be... that is what age does for us it make us WISER... Keep your chin up, there are no guarentees none of us knows what will be... You are AWESOME... Believe it!!!!
I agree with Deb and Tina, you are so great. It is so nice to hear some real thoughts and feelings on your struggles. I love your thoughts and your crazy life! I used to watch you, growing up, and want to be just like my positive, faithful sister...you put Mormonads in your room, so I did...you ran for MAG, so I did (only you won and I lost!) I worshipped you! I still want to be just like my big sister in soooo many ways. You are still my idol. You are a strong example!
Hang in there Nic and remember if you didn't know pain you wouldn't know joy. Your capacity for joy is so much greater then mine! You are a wise woman thank you for your thoughts. And I really think you should start writing that book.
Thanks very much for that post, Nicalee. Except now I am bawling! I think your book would be a great idea and a helpful resource to many.
I read your post last week and didn't know what to say--I remember when you opened up to me one afternoon on the phone about your divorce and it absolutely broke my heart. I knew you from the start and it is just completely the opposite of what you think was going to happen--so how can you possibly trust in anything anymore? But I had a thought yesterday for you while teaching my teenage Sunday school class. What if Joseph of Egypt hadn't been sold by his brothers? What if he had stayed in his father's tent wearing his pretty coat and been fawned over as the favorite son his whole life? Would he have become the man he became? Would he have developed a heart capable of such great forgiveness? Would it even have occured to him to interpret dreams or use his resourcefulness to save his country from famine? Course not. He wouldn't even have a clue what he was capable of doing. His great adversity pushed him (I'm sure quite painfully) into becoming the man he became. Being sold into slavery was not part of his plans as a young man--but probably neither was ruling Egypt. From my few brushes I've had with you the past few years, you have become a woman of great compassion and forgiveness. You can kindly carry other's burdens because you know so well the pain of your own. This isn't the path you planned on--but perhaps you're becoming something greater than you planned on in the process. Much love to you--Carrie
Sorry I wrote a novel on your blog.
Great comments, Carrie. I kept thinking of this quote, Nicalee, as I read your blog. My favorite quote by CS Lewis that mirrors what Carrie said... "Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)
Watching my mom go through divorce and hearing her talk about the pain of it even now, I can't imagine living through it myself as a mom. I'm just happy you are so happily married now. You deserve that and so much more. I hope you do write a book. It would help so many who are hurting themselves.
Hang in there sweet friend of mine! We can do this thing! I love you and think you are amazing...you were then and you are now!
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